I can be the first to admit that I'm not the most confident person. I'm not talking about physical confidence, I'm talking about the all-around package. I know that I was raised with good morals, great manners, and a really strong sense of right and wrong. I also know that I am a good person. That I go out of my way for people, that I am amazing with children, and I am beyond loyal to a fault. But sometimes, I start to doubt that. When you hear people pick you apart, or spread rumors, or even worse, make things up because of their hurt feelings, you really start to question everything that they say.
Here's the thing. I don't have the toughest skin. Trust me, it's gotten so much better. But I still let certain things get to me. And when things are "awkward," or someone gets distant, it's my initial instinct to think I've somehow offended them or hurt their feelings.
I'm a people please-er by nature. I don't like to hurt people, intentionally, and I don't like to say no to people. Yes, I'm one of those annoying ones who has a hard time saying no in fear that because I told you no about one thing, you will never like me/ask me to do anything ever again. Totally irrational? Yes. But it's how I am.
I put other's first the best that I can. This was especially true for my wedding. The date was picked around bridesmaids plans, as some didn't want to ask off work [Really, in hindsight that should have been my first red flag...]. I picked the cheapest bridesmaid dresses possible. My bachelorette party choices nobody wanted to participate in, so we did what others wanted. I didn't require a single thing except for a shoe color. We got nails, make-up, and hair done which I emphasized was completely their choice. I honestly had zero expectations except wear the dress. Our reception was a whole lot of compromise because I felt guilty asking our parents to spend the money. DJ. Transportation. Photographer. Videographer. Even the reception venue were all but something I let other's convince me to pick because I didn't want to seem greedy by picking the place I liked better. And somehow this is all coming back to bite me in the butt about what a "selfish bridezilla" I was. If that were the case, wouldn't I have done things how I wanted? How I had the day planned in my head? And instead, I sit and have regrets and wish I would have done things my way. But the only person I've told that to? My husband.
I put other's first the best that I can. This was especially true for my wedding. The date was picked around bridesmaids plans, as some didn't want to ask off work [Really, in hindsight that should have been my first red flag...]. I picked the cheapest bridesmaid dresses possible. My bachelorette party choices nobody wanted to participate in, so we did what others wanted. I didn't require a single thing except for a shoe color. We got nails, make-up, and hair done which I emphasized was completely their choice. I honestly had zero expectations except wear the dress. Our reception was a whole lot of compromise because I felt guilty asking our parents to spend the money. DJ. Transportation. Photographer. Videographer. Even the reception venue were all but something I let other's convince me to pick because I didn't want to seem greedy by picking the place I liked better. And somehow this is all coming back to bite me in the butt about what a "selfish bridezilla" I was. If that were the case, wouldn't I have done things how I wanted? How I had the day planned in my head? And instead, I sit and have regrets and wish I would have done things my way. But the only person I've told that to? My husband.
That's not the point of this, to talk about things I would have done different or things I have scarified, and I apologize if I'm inviting you to my pity party, because that's not what I want. And my most bridesmaids were great. I'm just honestly buffuddled on how things I thought I was doing right, are turning out to be so wrong.
There's other things that people have "heard" about me, or that I have been confronted about that I wonder how it got some misconstrued. How someone could hate a person so much they are willing to make up lies about that person? How they can go out of their way to try and mess with someone's life. It's something I will never understand.
I'm not claiming "saint" here. I admit I've had my times where I've said something out of anger, or gossiped with friends as well, but I have never gone out of my way to try and bad-mouth someone who I considered such a good friend.
But when it comes down to it, the skin's getting tougher, and I'm getting wiser. At some point you have to breath and let go and remember, it's not your problem. If someone has a problem with you over unintentional hurt feelings, you can't let it consume you. And you can't fix it if they don't want to take the steps to resolve anything.
Someday I'll be able to let things roll off my back. That someday is just taking a little while longer to get here then I thought it would. But that's okay. And in the end, I know I'm a good person.
To end on a cheesy note... this has been on repeat the past few days.
To end on a cheesy note... this has been on repeat the past few days.
Uhhh love me some Mariah. I sound like a broken record here but we were separated at birth obviously because we are so similar. It is almost like everything you post, I can identify with. So with that said, I really feel for ya here. Scott always tells me, "Nice guys finish last". And it is true a lot. I can never say no and I always put others happiness first over my own. It is sort of how I was raised and I feel like it is just rooted into me to be that way. I over work myself because I cannot say no. I too missed out on things that I wanted for my own wedding to please someone else or to make someone elses life a little easier. I too dealt with a lot of guilt for wanting to have things my way on my wedding day. And I have noticed that there are those people (very few but they do exist) that really notice the way we are. They notice that we compromise our own happiness and wants and needs for the happiness of others. And those few people are very grateful and go out of their way to thank us. I have also had people tell me, "Do something for you for once! Screw others!" And while that is nice to hear, for people like us, thats like asking us to climb Mt. Everest!! To turn someone down, to say no, to actual demand things to go our way. So so difficult for people like us. And then of course there are the people who do not see how we bend over backwards for others. This is the majority of people, in my opinion anyway. And this is why nice guys finish last... Because most people take advantage of people like us.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is so hard to just "let go" of the hurtful things that are said about us. It is harder for us because we are people pleasers. We just want to be liked and accepted by everyone and that is just not reality. Not everyone is going to ever get along or like each other. But it is harder for people like us to accept and get over. For example, it has taken me about a year to get over such a small little issue that someone had with me once... And it is so silly because I know for a fact that the person isn't losing sleep over it and probably never gives it a second thought.
Ehhh. I feel for you. It's hard. But, you'll get over it. And you will move on. Surround yourself with your true friends. Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind. :-)
Love you, you fellow people pleaser, you.
We're pretty similar, ya know.
ReplyDeleteIt's also in my nature to want to people please. I'm a Cancer, I like to make others happy. But, I learned that you really do just have to not care sometimes. I've gotten so much better at it. Sometimes it makes you look selfish, but sometimes you have to be. You have to make yourself happy first.
But I lack in self confidence and esteem to the extreme. It's something that you have to constantly work on, and it's definitely not easy.
I was thinking about you last night, I wanted to ask how everything was going with they eating/weightloss stuff & everything in general.
xoxo
Oh wow. I am so sad to read that everything was not as you would have loved to have had it on YOUR wedding day. And about this whole post--I completely feel you. You are such a sweet person that some evil girls will see that and think they can walk all over you, or feel the need to tear you down because you make them feel inadequate. Someone I really respect at work said to me, you gotta look out for number one, because no one else is. And as sad as that sounds, unless it comes to your very closest friends and family that's sometimes just what you have to do. Hugs, sweet girl!
ReplyDelete