The facts of life

You take the good

You take the bad

You take them both

and there you have the facts of life

Even though this was an "80's" show, I use to watch reruns constantly. Especially when that hunky Doctor Ross George Clooney was on there. But I have to say, I never understood exactly what the theme song was saying. That is, until "life" started happening these past few weekends. Remember on Friday when I said I was "so excited" for new adventures to be coming E and I's way? Well, either I jinxed it, or the cards just aren't in our favor. And most of our Saturday night was spent holding back tears and using the phrase, "it's not fair." 

Long story short, our "new adventure" was hopefully going to be a house. Well, after talking to people, it sounds like that is not in our favor. I say "sounds," because E plans to try one last bank and see if we get the same answer. The answer that because I don't have a steady income, because I have a wallop of student loans to pay back, we can't be approved.

As I write this, I am in tears of frustration and tears of guilt. Guilt that there are people out there that have it so much worse off then us, and that I'm acting like this is the end of the world. Frustration that we did everything right by society's standards, and when it comes to taking the next step, we're being told to take a step back. We both have college degrees, trying to make it in the world.  We waited to get married and save money so it wouldn't all be on a credit cards, but to have a house? Oh no, that can't happen. Because I have student loans. Which then brings back the tears of guilt, because it's on me. E has no debt to his name, so I can't help but feel like it's my fault. He has basically been providing for both of us since this whole job situation occurred, and now to say, "Sorry babe, you've been busting your ass but I'm the reason we can't get a house." Boy does that suck.

It doesn't help that I'm at a personal crossroads as well when it comes to my career. My "online degree" is basically translating to nothing in my state, that I would have to start all over to get a teaching degree. And while at one point I wanted it more then anything.... I can't help but think I'm past that.

I have zero desire to go back to school. I have zero desire to sit in a lecture hall with 18 and 19 year olds, when I'm almost 28. I am okay with being an aide. I am okay with teaching in a daycare. I am okay even being a receptionist at this point. Call me "uninspired," say I have no ambition, say I'm not following my dreams. Fine. But as much as I saw teaching as something I wanted to do and love the influence I make in those kiddos lives, it was also something short-term to me. That once I had kids, I was going to be a stay at home Mom (if we're blessed enough).

Guys, if you've been following my blog, you know the only thing I want to "be" when I grow up is a mom. And to be honest, I'm ready to start our "maybe baby" life. Not right this minute, but soon. Our agreement was to get comfortable in a house, and then start trying at the beginning of 2014. We both agree we need a house before we can start talking babies. And at this point, that won't be until May of 2014. Which means, no "maybe baby" anytime soon. And while it shouldn't bother me, because as E says, we are still young, I don't want to keep putting it off. I'm sorry, but it's not a guaranteed thing. There could be fertility issues, there could be endometriosis issues, something could go wrong. And knowing all that? Starting now instead of waiting a few years makes more sense to me.

So now, we're stuck in this dingy place for another year. Our property manager refuses to give us even an extra month in our lease, and did I mention we have to give her an answer by Friday? Talk about pressure.

They [not that I know who they is...] aren't kidding when they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Here's hopin' March is ten times better for us.