Raw + Real

While I stated on Friday that I was going to keep this blog real, I struggled today with how "real" I wanted to keep it. But then I remembered, this is my blog. These are things I want to remember. I want to remember how I felt, how I coped, how I was able to keep moving.... and as I write those words, they all seem so impossibly far, far away. So unattainable. 

Death sucks. I'm not one of those optimistic people who can easily believe I will see them again in the after life. It's just not my nature. It's final. It's real. It's raw. I will never see that person again.

Saturday night, E and I went to the Milwaukee Bucks NBA game. I'd never been, he was young. It's a recap that seems beyond trivial at this moment. Maybe someday. Today I'll leave it at, we had a good time. We got home around 11:30 pm, maybe a little bit after, and as I was changing into my pjs, my phone rang. It was my mom. I didn't think too much of it in all honesty. I thought she wanted to see how our night was, or that she heard of an accident that she wanted to make sure we weren't in. But I wasn't expecting what I heard next;

"Mary Jo called and said there's things about Brian dying all over facebook." 

I don't know what my response was. I know looking back, the phone call was all of 19 seconds. I headed into the living room and began to scroll through my phone. There it was, flat on my newsfeed as he'd been tagged over, and over, and over, and over. Immediately it felt like I had been socked in the stomach and I bent over in physical pain and at some point screams of "Brian! Brian's dead" began to echo throughout our living room. E rushed in the room and put his arms around me, my hand somehow making it's way to cover my mouth to make those horrible screams go away. Those horrible screams that were apparently coming from my body. As I bent over, my thumb couldn't move fast enough over that touch screen to take in all the comments, find something concrete. And then I did. Someone posted the breaking news article. I opened it through my sobs and hyperventilating, and just knew. A motorcycle crash. A 19 year old boy. My sobs began to literally hurt as I couldn't even catch my breath. 

I stood up long enough to redial my mom's number as I confirmed the news to her, both of us uncontrollably sobbing on our ends of the phone. We eventually got off the phone with each other as my mom went to call my Godparents. My Aunt and Uncle. My second parents, who had now lost their Grandson. We just knew they had to hear it from someone other then facebook. As soon as I got off the phone, my body became uncontrollable. The sobs got louder, the pain was unbearable. I was shaking, I was sweating, my teeth were chattering, and I cried into E's chest for well over an hour. Every once in awhile, I'd come up for air, my eyes trying to see through the tears, the phone screen in front of me for any more details. Just anything at all.  The sobs stopped, but my body continued to shake and chatter. We found a breaking news story from the 10 o'clock news and watched it, and my mind went numb. E took my phone away from me as I sat there, tears streaming down my face. We sat there for a good hour before I agreed to move into the bedroom. I don't know what difference I thought that would make, but being in bed sounded like a good idea. Wrong.

The minute my head touched the pillow, the body shaking sobs started again. E lay with me, holding my hand and wiping my tears away. At this point it was 1:30 in the morning. E eventually drifted off to sleep when my sobs had stopped, but the tears hadn't. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get off my phone. Looking at the facebook comments, checking any and every Chicago news outlet to find out what happened. I needed to know. I started messaging with my Aunt who had been the one to see it. I couldn't take the pain she had to be in, to find out about your nephew on facebook. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I took my contacts out at some point, not even being able to see out of them. Between the tears and my swollen eyes, I was getting a headache. Eventually, I made my way to the bathroom, sat in the tub, and called my Mom. I didn't want to wake E up, I just wanted to talk Mom. We sat on the phone until after 3 in the morning, crying to each other, talking about his bright, bright future, talking about him as a kid, how God could let this happen.
I'm angry, so so angry at God.

I maybe got an hour of sleep. I was up at 6 Sunday morning, obsessively going through his facebook pictures, his comments, news websites, just anything at this point. I was on the phone every hour or so with my Mom. She had the horrible task of telling the rest of the family. When E got up, he had had time to process it, instead of just worrying about taking care of me. We sat on the couch tearful for what felt like forever, before I decided I needed to do something. I needed to get on with our day. The more I sat there, the more I broke down and I just needed a break. Is that wrong of me? I felt guilty as we went about our day of running errands and grabbing lunch, but I can't say I was "happy" about it. I was downright miserable. I needed to get a few cards for events coming up. Walked by the sympathy section and those tears started streaming down my cheeks again. We made it one of our fastest trips to Walmart and got home.Sleep. At this point, my body needed sleep. My mind wouldn't shut off. I laid down for an hour or two, sleep fading in and out during that time, tears coming at others. It was a non-stop cycle. 

The rest of the day I spent numb, talking to my brother and some cousins. I had another breakdown in the shower, one that hurt so much I thought I was going to get physically ill. One that no tears came out of my eyes, it was just body convulsions as E had to help me out of the shower. A last phone call with my mom and my mind shut off. As I woke up this morning, I'm still in shock. I'm randomly crying here and there as I pack for my mom's. The last thing I want this week is to be alone. 

He was a good kid. A wonderful kid. Who had so much potential, and so much in front of him. He overcame so much, and turned into a great man. He had just enlisted in the Marines. He was set to leave this spring for training. Our family was in the middle of planning a "send-off" party for him. It breaks my heart that we're now all getting together to send him off in a final goodbye.

His sister is in pieces, understandably. Things haven't been amazing in their lives, but they have always had each other. Their uncle put it best, saying he was her rock. I am itching to see her this week, to wrap her in my arms, to sob so much it hurts with her, to tell her I'm here with her, to let her know the world loves her, and loved him, and she is not alone.

This is the second death on my mom's side of the family since the first of the year. It sucks. I've never had to "deal" with death before, and I honestly don't know how to. I don't know what to say. My nature is to make it better, and I can't. I don't know what to do. Are people overwhelmed by flowers and meals and someone just sitting with them?  I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't mind seeing them for reasons other then funerals. All night Mom and I asked, what did our family do to deserve this heartbreak? There is no answer. There is nothing you can or can't do to keep your family safe. It's just life.

And it hurts. 

Brian, you had grown from a shy little kid, to a confident, strong man. Even though you were a foot or so taller then me, I always considered you my "little cousin." My little brother even. Our joke of you being "too cool" to hug your cousin was one of my favorite parts of seeing you. Trying to sneak in a hug and actually getting one was the best part of those weekends together. Your hug at Christmas will forever be the best hug I ever received. You were going to do great things in this world, you were going to be a great Marine. You enjoyed life, and you enjoyed being around our family so much. It's going to be so hard going on without you. You will be missed beyond measure.